I wrote of how I suffered through fifteen years of chronic depression. I thought that losing weight and looking good would bring me happiness but it didn’t. I didn’t understand the thoughts inside my head. Every thought I had was negative. I blamed everyone and everything for my rotten life. I wallowed in self-pity. Having my own little pity party gave me a pay back. People would feel sorry for me. People would look at me with pity in their eyes and that brought some sort of comfort to me. It was oh poor me, why do I have to go through this, not realizing that I was choosing to let my demons run my life. My husband at the time said to me one day, “Carla, you kind of feel sorry for yourself”. I said “WHAT?!?” How dare you say that to me! And later I learned that he was right.
After many psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, doctors and medications – yup I have tried them all, I decided that these were only band aids to a much deeper problem. So in desperation I went searching. There had to be an answer and damn it, I was going to find it even if it killed me because living this way was as good as being dead anyway.
I read tons of books on how to be happy. I went to retreats and seminars. I studied many success and spiritual gurus and I found one common theme among all of them. I heard many times how we are body, mind and spirit but thought this was all weird hippy talk and didn’t want any part of it. It all sounded too scary to me. I learned that as humans we not only have a body, but we have thoughts, and we are 100% responsible for the thoughts we choose. We are also spiritual beings. What is this thing they called a soul? They all said, “Connect with your spirit because that is who you are, that is where the answers are, and they will never lie.” These gurus were even crazier than I was!
To be continued….
Here's to finding your soul,